Power imbalance and why talk is never always the answer
The story of an adopted child and her realization of decades of hurt amidst the gaslighting
Content Warning /CW/: Cursing and profanity; Seething anger.
I didn’t intend on going deep into this sh*t but I would like to imagine this as a piece of paper with written down thoughts that I would want to someday tear, burn, and offer up to God. Here is a…
List of all the demeaning things my father has said to me (in no particular order):
“Anong meron sa Cavite? Di ba tapunan yan ng mga sina-salvage?” (MOS, 2020) —One day, I was excitedly telling him that we should go visit this small property I bought in Imus because it had a very good location and it will be our future place of residence. Not only that, I was proud to have made my first real estate purchase. Of course, of all things he could tell me, THIS was his response.
“Kasalanan mo to eh. Pabili-bili ka pa ng gulay na yan,” along with “Kasalanan mo to eh. Dapat ikaw na naglabas ng sasakyan,” along with “Diba sabi nang ‘wag mong ilagay ‘yung mainit na rice cooker diretso sa tiles” all in padabog fashion. (MOS, 2023) —He blamed me constantly for things like (a) Suggesting to buy upo (bottle gourd) for our househelper after she said that she liked that as a viand, not knowing that she had zero cooking skills so the upo was just sitting in our kitchen rotting; (b) Asking Bien to take out the car instead because I had a meeting but the street traffic became stressful for both of them so he took it out on me; (c) The sobrang walang kwentang bagay like a rice cooker leaving a mark daw on the tiles like P*TA NASAAN YUNG PANGINGITIM NA PINAGSASABI MO?!
“BAHO!!!! HMPH ANG BAHO!!! (insert name of househelper here) tingnan mo nga kung kaya mong linisin yang kabaho-bahong dumihan ng pusa!!!” (MOS, 2023) —Shouted to the top of his lungs at 7 in the morning by my window just when I was about to get out of bed. He did not like that we had a cat inside the house but we cleaned after Dunggan, who has become my source of comfort and strength. He blamed it all on me, passive-aggressively. The house erupted that morning and I stopped talking to him since then.
“Bakit ka lalayas? ‘Pag ginawa mo pa ulit yan, ibebenta ko na tong bahay! Nagpagawa na ko ng tarp ng ‘FOR SALE’ para makita mo!” (MOS, 2012) —One day, he was blatantly flirting with his “business partner” over the phone while I was just there, unintentionally absorbing all their distasteful giggles. It irritated me and suggested that he had no regard for my presence, even at least to introduce this human properly into “our family,” if we ever have one. This was more than a decade ago. I did not know how to identify it at that time but it was the first of many gaslighting tactics he used on me when my initial reaction was to leave the house and become avoidant of the situation. I went dark for a couple of days and when I finally came home, THAT was what he told me. He was even madder than I was… like HUH? I think he was trying to scare me by threatening me, telling me that he would be selling the house which I would be inheriting. Like I COULD CARE ABOUT THIS HOUSE in the first place. Geez.
“Hindi ka p’wedeng umalis ng bahay. Pa’no na ‘ko sa gabi? Sinong magbabantay sakin?” (MOS, 2022) —The pandemic caught up on me and I really needed to switch things up. I humbly asked him if Bien and I could relocate to his unused condo unit during the weeknights and weekends so we could relax and swim, but we’d still come to the house for work. To my surprise, this was his reaction. To which I responded: “Kating-kati ka na na magpakasal kami ni Bien dati dahil sabi mo nga ‘para mawala na ako sa utak mo,’ and yet ngayon, hindi pala ako p’wedeng umalis sa puder mo? Ang gulo naman ata.” Ano ba’ng hiningi niya no’ng ‘80s? Anak o caregiver? Ano ba’ng purpose ko pala sa mundong ‘to? All of this despite him having an “alleged girlfriend” for more than a decade now. Ano palang purpose no’ng babaeng ‘yon?
“Diba yung kaibigan mo’ng si "(insert name of friend here) na top niyo sa batch ay nag-misyonaryo lang? Bakit naman? Sayang naman iyon.” (MOS, 2009-2023) —I have a very close friend who was a full-time missionary worker for a Catholic org despite graduating at the top of our batch. He would occasionally bring up this conversation, probably once a year at least. The conversation would evolve into him asking what course my friend graduated from and how she could have found a decent, high-paying job by now… the whole shebang. I don’t really know why and what he wanted to say by sharing this. But this year I finally answered him “Ano bang gusto mong sabihin? Eh ano kung misyonaryo siya? Choice niya yun. Ang hilig mong magmaliit ng tao, sobra mong judgemental" then walked out. Because, really, what is his point? And why does he have to keep on repeating the same story year on year?
“Walang k’wenta talaga tong si (insert name of ex-girlfriend here; may her soul RIP). Ginawa akong driver! Wala talaga, wala siyang pakialam sakin!!!” (MOS, 2004-2008) —At the top of his lungs again, almost daily when I was still in college. He would come home and dump all of his frustrations on his teenage daughter who was 41 years his junior. I didn’t know how to react at that time but today I realized… Hey, you shouldn’t be doing that to your kid. If you don’t have drinking buddies to share your frustrations with, don’t turn your kid into a sponge. She does not deserve nor understand that.
“Ang taba taba mo na. Bakit di ka mag-diet? Dapat mga pinagkakain mo mga katulad nung sakin, puro fish lang ako at gulay.” (MOS, 2000 onwards) —He must have come from a place of care (?!) but you do not say that to a teenager going through puberty alone, without a mom to guide her through. I was still trying to build my self-esteem and identity. Today, I couldn’t give a f*ck about what you see in me. Use your eyesight wisely then.
“No’ng nagkasakit Mommy mo, hindi ko siya iniwan. Isa iyon sa mga pinanghawakan ko kaya walang masasabi sakin sila Lola Inay at Lolo Bidong mo (his in-laws). Kahit hindi ako nagka-anak sa kanya, hindi ako nambuntis ng iba.” (MOS, 2000ish) —He was proud to not have fathered a child with another woman despite of my mom’s broken fallopian tubes. He was proud that he “stuck with her” all through the entire 3.5 years she had Cancer. My teenager self was amazed, mostly because I didn’t know how to react to what he said. But recalling those words today made me realize how stuck up he truly is. Where is this wrong sense of pride coming from?
“Bakit ba kasi ang gulo papunta sa inyo? Bakit ako pa kailangang magpunta?!?!” (MOS, 2020) —Over the phone while I was trying to give him directions to our house in Paranaque. Bien and I used to live out from him and this was the third time that he visited us in our 2 years of marriage. To which I answered “Bakit ba kasi hindi ka marunong bumisita sa anak mo? Sino’ng tatay ang naliligaw sa pagpunta sa bahay ng anak niya considering na dalawang taon na kami dito nakatira?” He never took an interest in my life. How can you call us a ‘family’ in this situation?
“Dapat ikaw yung nagbuntis eh, hindi ‘yung pusa” then proceeds to laugh. (MOS, 2020) —He had an adopted a cat during pandemic. Because we also feed her, Meng Meng also has become our cat. These were his words to me on a random day when we found out that Meng Meng was pregnant. I mean, what exactly do you say to that? Was that an insult? I couldn’t even identify anymore.
Last December 2022, my therapist and I went through a series of practice dialogues. I would put a vacant chair in front of me and pretend that I was talking to my father. Per his recommendation, he said that I really needed to talk to MOS to air out all my frustrations in the hope of keeping our relationship. Also, this is a clear sign of forgiveness on my part.
But just last September, I had the worst breakdown of my entire life since I was triggered by the cat litter incident (see Number 3 above). I was hysterical and was screaming “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” for what seemed like an hour. I shut down and covered my ears because I didn’t want to hear more bullshit from him. I tried to explain that he need not be shouting at 7 in the morning and he could talk to me directly, even to tell me if he didn’t want us in the house anymore. But he inadvertently skewed the conversation to himself, pointing out that it was him who had been hurt the entire time for various reasons, including having the cat inside the house. Glorious fucking hell, everything was always my fault.
The resolve:
After months of deliberation and following my gut, plus the validation from Bien and my friends Luckie and Chel that MOS is indeed a huge trigger to me, the answer is to just… let him be—
“I-accept mo na talaga din hindi na sya mag-ch-change. Baguhin mo na lang approach mo. I know baka hindi maganda ‘to na suggestion pero minsan kailangan functional ka na lang din as a daughter to him. Tapos alalay na lang talaga. Kasi more than him, kayo ni Bien ang mas importante, yung pagsasama niyo.”
Many times I tried to talk to him about how I’ve felt through the decades. It is not easy to deal with grief alone as a teenager and not recognize it for what it is. But to be blamed for every fucking thing that happens to this household, to be a punching bag to all of his misfortunes, to not recognize that I WAS HURT TOO probably worse than he ever had been, is enough reason to stonewall the shit out of our situation. I recall telling myself— “Siya lang ba ang may karapatang masaktan?” during that uneventful day in September. I accepted then that he will never listen because he has always asserted his power over me. I will always be just the adopted daughter whom he messianically plucked out from the poverty-laden hands of Elvira and Candido Jr. For him, I will always be a “blessed” creature, one that did not experience physical hunger.
I may not have experienced poverty, MOS, but my soul is crushed. I am constantly in an uphill battle against the demons that have always loomed over my inner child. I am sore and almost anhedonic from the pain that I could never open up with you because you never cared to listen. So I will just keep silent. For the rest of my life. I will constantly pray that I will be able to forgive you and ask Mom’s help in so doing. I have a whole life ahead of me and my only focus now is myself and my husband. Bien and I, we are a real family.
My hands are small, I know,
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
In the end, only kindness matters
In the end, only kindness matters
-Jewel, Hands
Endnote:
For those of you who have emotionally distanced parents and who have been constantly reminded that you are an “utang na loob” to them, know that your worth is not dictated by them. You will envy your friends who have supportive parents through and through; parents who do not keep a secret life from you. You will question why your set-up is very different and dysfunctional. As a people-pleaser, you will approach the situation as if nothing happened or you will shoulder all the blame. But you must understand that in your 30s, you are as much of an adult as they are. If they do not realize that they are very much capable of inflicting pain and also very much capable of apologizing, then that is no longer your problem.
You are on your own now but know there is so much power in that.